Built this way - A Hayffie Story
by Clatoxwendipxhayffie
Summary: Everyone knew Effie as the cheerful escort who was never seen without a smile on her face. But there is a lot more to her beneath the makeup. *T for themes*
1. Chapter 1

**_A/N -This story does have kinda depressing themes so don't say I didn't warn you. Set during CF at the moment! Hope you enjoy and review if you liked it or want me to continue :)_**

_Do you ever feel like you wanna be someone else for just one day?_

Effie's POV

I couldn't let them see me this weak. I couldn't do this anymore. But the Capitol expects me to look perfect all the time and I will. I am fat, ugly and worthless. I will never be like any of those stick thin models if I don't starve myself. I will never reach perfection unless I force myself to throw up.

"Trinket! Get me a another drink!" Called Haymitch from the cabin next to mine. He always expected me to do things for him with no concern whatsoever for my feelings. It was like I only existed to get things for people, to do things for people. Besides, who would want a disgusting fat person like me as a 'friend'? Katniss and Peeta may be polite to me but that's only because they are nice people, not because they care.

"Fine. I will!" I snapped back. I poured him a glass of whiskey and walked into the cabin.

"Oh hi Effie, we're just having dinner!" Smiled Peeta._ Just what I wanted _I thought to myself.

"I'm not hungry, I just ate. But thank you for the offer!" I lied. Just being near food made me want to throw up, I guess that's what living in the Capitol does to you. I feel guilty as people like Katniss weren't used to luxuries like this and would be happy to get as much food as I did.

"Oh alright." Said Peeta "Your dress is very nice."

"Thank you! It's brand new. I'm glad you noticed!" I faked a smile. It often seemed like people were just pretending to be friendly to me. I don't deserve it and that's for sure.

"Where's Katniss?" Asked Peeta "I need to talk with her."

"I don't know but I guess she's in her cabin." Haymitch answered taking a sip of his drink.

Peeta left the room, leaving me alone with Haymitch.

"He was wrong, about your dress." Haymitch said, laughing. I knew it, I knew I looked fat in it.

"That's nice."

"You know you don't have to wear that Capitol shit all the time." He was so clueless sometimes it was unbelievable.

"You know you don't have to wear the same clothes everyday!" I faked a giggle. I was used to doing that, every reaping I had to pretend to be happy and cheerful when really I thought I deserved death more than any of the innocent kids.

"You're wrong there, Trinkie. Guys clothes all look the same!" Haymitch said.

"Please don't call me 'Trinkie'" I got up and walked out of the room and into the bathroom.

_They have no idea, _I sighed as I turned on the shower. I grabbed a razor from the shelf and slowly dragged it across my arm. I had been doing this since I was around fifteen and I guess it was kind of an addiction. I couldn't cope with the pain in any other way. But when I cut myself I didn't feel any pain, I deserved it, this was my punishment for being stupid, ignorant and worthless.

Katniss's POV

"Peeta.. what is it you wanted to tell me anyway?" I asked. I knew it was something serious as his face looked concerned and worried.

"Haymitch needs to know too, I guess, unless he already knows." Said Peeta dragging me out of my cabin.

I sat down on one of the many mahogany in the main cabin.

"So what I was gonna say is..." Peeta sighed "I'm worried about Effie.."

"Why would you be worried about Trinket? She's so happy all the time! I'm sure there's better things to be caring about." Haymitch asked.

"You are so insensitive! Any person can have problems! Just because she's from the Capitol does not mean she has the perfect life, for all you know those smiles she puts on could be fake!" Peeta told him. I always assumed Effie was a typical Capitol person who only cared about how she looked and parties but it turns out she was actually a kind and genuine person.

"Get to the point anyway!" Haymitch chuckled. He was obviously very drunk at the moment, if he was sober then maybe he would be taking the situation more seriously, whatever the situation was...

"About Effie... Have you noticed how she never eats. Ever. You know how things are in the Capitol.. They always expect you to have the perfect body, perfect hair, perfect everything. She could be starving herself!"

"Look Peeta, she's probably telling the truth when she says she's not hungry. We can't always just guess things about people like that." Haymitch said calmly. But I couldn't help but agree with Peeta. All the time Effie had been our escort, I hadn't seen her eat once. It's not like I payed much attention but now it's been said... I just don't know.

"He's right. I've never seen her eat either..." I said.

"I am worried about Effie, okay! I don't hate her, in fact I actually like her. I don't want her to end up hurting herself, she never seemed that kind of person!" Haymitch admitted. I knew he didn't hate her really, I mean they did spend a lot of time together. Wait.. Why am I thinking this? Who cares if Effie and Haymitch hate eachother or love eachother? I need to focus on the real problem here.

"Hello Katniss! Hello Peeta! Hello Haymitch!" Effie said in her cheery Capitol accent.

Effie's POV

"Hello Katniss! Hello Peeta! Hello Haymitch!" I faked a grin as I walked in the door. By the looks on their faces it looked like I had just interrupted an important conversation. Of course they had all the 'important conversations' without me. I was useless and dumb and only had stupid things to say.

"Hey Effie! We were wondering if you wanted one of these cupcakes I made!" Peeta said, offering me a pink cupcake with a chocolate covered strawberry on top.

"That looks so beautiful, Peeta! But I'm not hungry right now... I feel ill today." I told him. The three of them exchanged a look as I sat down. Probably thinking _why is she so fat if she doesn't eat anything?_ I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case.

"That's alright Effie." Peeta replied handing out cupcakes to Katniss and Haymitch.

_To be continued..._


	2. Chapter 2

**_A/N - Hope you enjoy this new chapter :)xx_**

_Do you ever feel like you wanna see through another pair of eyes?_

Effie's POV

"Today is a big, big day!" I told Katniss and Peeta with a huge fake grin on my face. Nearly every smile was fake, I had nothing to smile about anyway. The two victors still probably thought I was another brainwashed Capitol citizen who worshipped President Snow and enjoyed the games. If only they knew...

"That's great Effie.." Peeta tried to appear happy. I could tell he was not interested and didn't care about any of the Capitol parties we were invited to.

Yesterday I had to eat something because Katniss and Peeta kept offering me food and I didn't want to seem suspicious. Of course I threw it back up after. I can't even stop myself anymore, it's not something I control.

We had been invited to the presidential party at Snow's mansion. I had to keep up the act that I was 'excited' about it, when in reality I was probably dreading it as much as Peeta and Katniss.

Katniss got out of her chair and left the room followed by Peeta, leaving me alone with Haymitch yet again. I was ninety-nine percent sure that Haymitch hated me and thought I was a stuck-up snob who only cares about manners and fashion. But that is who I am, a pathetic, ugly and disgusting person who deserved to die. I had many death threats from parent's whose kids names I had reaped every time I visited District 12. It wasn't my fault. I didn't ask to have this job, and I would change it if I had the chance. But I couldn't. If I defied the Capitol in anyway my family would be killed, Katniss, Peeta and Haymitch would be killed, I couldn't live with that, I can hardly live with my current job.

"It's a 'big, big day' again is it?" Haymitch smirked, mocking my Capitol accent.

"Yes.. I guess so.." I sighed.

"Aw have you lost your enthusiasm?" He asked jokingly. I didn't lose it. I never had it in the first place.

"No! Of course not!" I put on my act again.

I liked Haymitch. Maybe not in that way, but maybe in that way... Who knows? But he spent all his time with me making fun of me or complaining about things I couldn't change. I would be surprised if he had any feelings for a useless person like me anyway.

Katniss and Peeta returned from their cabins and sat back down in their chairs. I felt sorry for them, having to tour the districts and see the families of the people they'd fought against. I don't think I'd be able to handle it, they are a lot stronger than me.

*Later that day*

"Hi Effie!" My stylist, Portia and the rest of my prep team greeted me. I had to have my makeup done especially for the occasion.

"Hello, hello!" I smiled back.

"You look so beautiful today! Your dress is gorgeous!" Portia told me. Of course none of it was true, I looked horrible and fat like normal.

"Why thank you!" I replied. However many compliments I got, it never made up for 'at least our escort isn't a fat freak like 12' or 'She's never gonna look like the rest of them'. Any compliment would be forgotten two seconds after, but even just one insult scarred me.

"What happened to your arms?" She asked. I couldn't breathe for a second, I didn't know it was that visible! I had used makeup to cover up the scars covering my arms, wrists, legs and stomach, and I convinced myself that it didn't show.

"Ohh... That's just my cat!" I lied. It was obvious the cuts were in no way accidental, they were too straight and perfectly in line, but my stylists seemed to go along with it.

"I didn't know you had a cat!" Portia said. That's because I don't.

After an hour of hair and makeup I was finally ready to leave for the party along with Katniss and Peeta.

*The party*

"Eyes bright! Chins up! Smiles on!" I advised the victors. I sometimes feel like I need the advice more than them. I found it hard to fake a smile all the time when really I wanted to break down in tears.

The mansion in front of us was gigantic. I had no nice words to say about it, however. I was wearing a lilac puffy dress with a huge collar and my wig was blue. My natural hair was horrible dirty blonde color, but wearing wigs didn't do my face justice either. I haven't had surgery, unlike a lot of the people in the Capitol. I was terrified at the thought of having someone chop up my face with a knife, but I guess it's no worse than what I already do.

"Effie... What's that on your arm?" Peeta questioned me. I guess I hadn't applied the makeup very well today.

"I fell over and scraped my arms.." I made up another excuse. Peeta and Katniss would never believe me if I told them I had a cat.

"Well I hope it heals quickly." Peeta gave me a smile. I knew he wasn't falling for it.

As we reached the entrance of the garden I could see a ton of skinny Capitol girls. I knew I would never look like that, no matter how many times I threw up or how,long I didn't eat. I would do anything just to be that small, and I'm trying as hard as I can.

"Well I'm going to talk to some people, feel free to do whatever you want as long as it's safe!" I tell them as I walk over to the right side of the garden.

Peeta's POV

_You have no idea what I would give to get out of this,_ I thought to myself, sighing as I turned my head to check Katniss was still by my side. She was too focused on everything else in the world that she never seemed to notice how much I cared for her.

I'm seriously worried about Effie. First not eating for days, and now all this on her arms. I don't think Effie Trinket would be the kind to hurt herself, but what do I know? I don't know what kind of pain she's dealing with. I just want to help.

Effie's POV

When I'm with these people, I feel more insecure than ever. Everyone in the Capitol seems to have the perfect body, perfect personality, perfect life. Why couldn't I be included in this? They are all so friendly to me but that doesn't stop me feeling bad about my appearance.

I walk over to the food buffet and grab a glass of the drink that makes you vomit. I had only had one tiny cake, and yet I felt the need for it. I ran to the bathroom and swallow the purple liquid. It may taste disgusting but it's definitely nothing new to me. I deserve it. I am fat, worthless and ugly.

*Later*

It was finally time for the party to finish. I was relieved, to say the least, as we entered the train.

"Have a good time a the party?" Asked Haymitch.

"Oh yes! It was fabulous!"

**_More coming soon :)_**


	3. Chapter 3

**_A/N - Hope you enjoy this chapter... If you do like it, please review! Also thank you for the reviews so far! I really love to know that people are enjoying my story it always makes me happy :3_**

_Did you ever think I might wanna be with anyone else for just one day?_

Effie's POV

I didn't feel like I could deal with it any longer. I hated myself so much now. Why did I have to be such a pathetic excuse for a person? I wanted to tell Haymitch, Katniss and Peeta everything but I couldn't. Katniss and Peeta would probably think I was an even worse person than before and that I had no 'real' problems and Haymitch just didn't care. I didn't need their help, did I? I will reach perfection and I won't let anyone stop me.

It often seemed like I would be on this train forever, and in a way I guess I would. We only had a few more districts to visit until we arrived back at twelve. This year I was still going to call the names at the reaping. I'm not sure I'll be able to do it.

"Not talking much, are you Trinket?" Asked Haymitch. Why was he always out to get me? I wish he had some kind of idea about how I felt but no. All he seemed to care about was alcohol and of course he hated anyone who was from the Capitol. I wish I wasn't one of 'them', everyone always assumes I'm just a fake person with no real emotions. I do wear a lot of makeup but that's because of all the pressure they put on you. I had to be flawless or no one would accept me.

"I was just planning our schedule!" I pretended.

"So typical of a Capitol girl like you, Trinkie.." I had put on an act and faked a smile so much it became natural, although I was dying inside.

"You shouldn't always make assumptions about everyone. We're not all the same." I told him truthfully.

"Yes, but I know you Effie." Haymitch laughed. _The less he knows, _I thought.

"Wait a minute.. What's that all up your arm?" I had completely forgot tapplied makeup to the fresh cuts from this morning and the ones from last night. Now it was time to think of an excuse. Quick.

"I fell over!" I covered the scars with my hand. I was going to have to keep making up new excuses.

"I was.. Worried for a second.. But then you wouldn't be that type." Haymitch said. That type? I hope he doesn't mean what I think he means... But then I guess I am 'that type'.

"What type?" I asked, faking curiosity.

"You know what I mean, Trinket. That you did it yourself. I mean, I know you're crazy but you wouldn't do that!" I'm not crazy. I'm just... I don't know what I am.. Maybe I should just tell him. Maybe later. But he would judge me for it, I know he would.

"Oh right." I replied quickly. There was no way that my scars could be accidental.

"I just hope you're alright. I always knew you were not just another Capitol clone, really.." Haymitch spoke. That was the nicest thing he'd ever said to me, scratch that, the nicest thing anyone had ever said to me. I get compliments all the time in the Capitol but they have no meaning or emotion behind them, they're just thrown around like nothing.

"I am alright." I said.

"That's good. I just hope you're telling the truth." I could tell he wasn't the slightest bit convinced. I was pretty sure he knew what those cuts were.

"Haymitch, trust me! I am telling the truth." I told him.

"I sure hope so, sweetheart." That was the first time he had ever called me that. He usually just referred to me by my last name.

I felt the urge to tell him but I couldn't. I knew he would try to stop me and I wasn't ready to stop. I did deserve it and it was an addiction, I couldn't just stop if someone told me to stop and I wouldn't be able to cope. Just like starving myself, no one could stop me. I was fat, and I needed to reach perfection.

Just then Peeta appeared from the door.

"Hi Effie! I was just looking for Kat- oh wait here she is."

Katniss's POV

"We need to talk." Said Peeta grabbing my arm and dragging me into his cabin. I was pretty sure I knew what this was about.

"Yes?" I asked as I sat down on the soft bed covered in light purple fabric.

"I'm sure you know what this is about."

"It's about Effie again, isn't it?" I questioned him.

"Well yeah.. It is.. You know about all those cuts on her arms, I'm not sure they are ad accidental as she says and she's obviously not eating. You know she could be depressed or something. I care for her and I want her to be okay."

"Look Peeta, you might just be imagining this stuff because you're worried about her. She's probably telling the truth about her arms and she has eaten some things. It is Effie!" I told him. Secretly I couldn't help but fear all the things he said were right.

"Just keep an eye out for her?" Peeta asked.

"Of course!" I smiled as we left the room.

Effie's POV

"Are you alright, Effie?" Asked Katniss. I don't know why people kept asking me these questions. I wasn't alright, but the answer was always yes. I didn't want to be another thing for them to worry about, not that they really did worry about me.

"Yes I'm great thank you!" I gave her a smile.

"Good, good! Would you like me to get you something to eat?" Asked Peeta. I didn't know it was that obvious I wasn't eating. I guess I'd just have to throw it up after.

"Sure!" I answered.

Peeta handed me a small cake. I couldn't stand eating anything in front of people. I was always paranoid thinking they were looking at me and thinking 'She is so fat and disgusting' which is true.

"Thank you so much." I took a small bite, feeling the urge to throw up straight away. I can't remember what it was like to eat food normally without feeling guilty.

"You're welcome!" Said Peeta.

_**More coming soon :D**_


	4. Chapter 4

**_A/N - Keep on reviewing! I appreciate every single one :D I just like to know people are reading my story :3_**

_Did you ever really think of me when I walked away?_

Effie's POV

I feel like I can't trust Haymitch anymore. One minute he's so thoughtful and kind and the next minute he's insulting me. I'm tired of being called names by him and it hurts because I know it's true, I am ugly, I am worthless.

I feel like I want to die and I'm not overreacting. When I visited District 10 a man tried to hit me and told me it was my fault his son had died. Haymitch stopped him but I knew deep down that I deserved it really. We had just left District 11 yesterday and I had been having worse nightmares than usual. I just want to put an end to it.

"Effie!" I heard a voice call from behind me.

"Yes?" I turned my head. It was Peeta, I hope he wasn't going to try to force me to eat again. I was sure they knew something was up, but they obviously didn't care enough to ask me. I needed to cut. Now.

"We're having dinner.." He told me.

"I'll be there in a minute!" I said quickly as I walked into the bathroom.

I found a razor and pulled it across my makeup covered skin. I couldn't feel the pain, I had done it so many times before that I had become used to it. I cut a few more times and left the room. I couldn't be too long as I knew they would get suspicious and start asking questions again. At least I was wearing long sleeves today.

"Wow! How long do you have to be!" Laughed Haymitch, taking a sip of his drink as I entered the cabin. How clueless could he be?

"Manners!" I snapped in my usual way.

"I'm not really that hungry.." I said.

"Are you sure? You haven't eaten anything all day.." Peeta asked. I couldn't deal with this. I got up and left the room as they started to call after me. I didn't care anymore.

I opened the door to my bedroom and sat down. I felt the urge to cut again and I tried hard to resist it but I couldn't.

Katniss's POV

"There is obviously something going on with her!" Peeta announced.

"You don't say." Haymitch sighed. Maybe Peeta was right all along, she did need help.

"She needs help..." I said, looking out the window of the fast moving train.

"You don't know there's anything wrong with her! She probably is just upset because... She ran out of makeup or something." Haymitch said.

"Don't lie to yourself. If she needs our help then she needs our help. She may be from the Capitol but that doesn't mean she doesn't feel pain or have emotions. I'm pretty sure you've noticed what's going on with her anyway." Peeta said.

"He's right you know. I know you may hate Effie but do you really want her to hurt herself like this?" I asked.

"Okay, okay. I've noticed. I don't want her to have to go through this, she doesn't deserve it. But she's just so happy and over the top about everything it seems so unlikely." Haymitch said.

"Ever heard of putting on an act? She probably just does this to cover up how sad she is and she doesn't want us to worry!" Peeta spoke.

"Now you're just jumping to conclusions. We don't know for sure about anything..." Haymitch told him.

"You're right. Nothing is definite." I said.

"Hello everyone!" Effie greeted us with a huge smile on her face. It looked as if nothing had just happened.

Effie's POV

I entered the room with at least twenty new cuts. I couldn't help it. I wish someone was there to help me through it but in a way I'm glad there isn't. I'm not ready to stop now, and I possibly never will be.

"We've still got some food for you." Said Peeta.

"Thank you.." It was only salad, I could just throw it up after and no one would suspect anything. Last night I was watching some Capitol modelling show and they were all so much skinnier than me, it made me feel more insecure than ever but it also made me feel more motivated to lose weight. I was fat and disgusting, whenever I looked in the mirror I just wanted to change everything. I knew everyone was silently judging me, but not always silently. When it was my first year as an escort my stylist told me I had to lose some weight if I ever wanted to be accepted in the Capitol, and of course I had been called a 'fat freak'.

"You're actually eating something!" Haymitch faked surprise.

"I eat all the time.." I lied. I didn't want other people concerned, it was my 'problem' that I was fat.

"Of course you do Effie." Haymitch said with a sarcastic tone.

"I have to go. I'll be back in a minute." I told the three of them as I left the room.

I felt sick already as I grabbed my toothbrush and stuck it down my throat causing my self to throw up. I was very practiced at it, seeing I had done it nearly everyday of my time as an escort. I peered into the tall bathroom mirror and all I could see was fatness and ugliness. It was horrible, I'm surprised no one had told me yet, but I guess they were just being polite.

_Just kill yourself now, _the voices in my head told me _The others will get over it, you are only Effie Trinket, the dumb escort. _

I felt a sob escape my mouth as I broke down in tears. _Yeah just go cry about it, you deserve to die, you send all those kids to their deaths_. I reached for the razor blade again as I dragged it across my arms, legs and stomach. I didn't care if I passed out because of blood loss, I didn't care if I died, this was my punishment for being such a worthless, stupid person.

I stood up and reapplied my makeup. You could still see that I'd been crying but I could just pretend it was allergies.

I walked back into the cabin with a smile on my face like nothing ever happened. I would have to keep up this act, not matter what.

"Effie are you alright?" Asked Haymitch "You look like you've been crying..."

"Oh no.. It's just allergies." I pretended. I sometimes feel as if I should just tell him everything, but would he judge about it? _He doesn't even care, _the voices began again, _he wants you to hurt yourself_. I just wanted it to stop and I found it hard not to break down in tears on the spot.

"Effie, it's alright.. You can't be strong all the time." Haymitch tried to comfort me. Katniss and Peeta had probably gone to bed.

"I'm fine. Trust me!" I told him as I left the cabin once again.


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N - Thank you to RonaldGarcia91 and two anons for the reviews! :D Like I said before, all reviews are awesome so thank you guys! :)_

_Did you ever feel like you should've said something smarter at the time?_

Effie's POV

We were on our way back to District 12. The last few days had been some of the hardest days of my life, especially yesterday. I almost killed myself and Haymitch and the others had no idea. I had cut myself so much I eventually passed out and noone even suspected a thing. I wish I was as happy as I made myself seem. I wish my life was as simple and easy as a Capitol person's life was meant to be.

I knew if I got up Peeta and Katniss would try to get me to eat again. They should be helping me to stop eating, but no... And Haymitch would be criticising every thing I did.

_Why don't you just die? Or at least cut some more.. _The voices started again. It was so hard to cope with so I grabbed my razor and pulled it across my arm. I didn't even wince in pain, it was nothing new, what I go through everyday hurts more.

I covered my wrist in a bandage I found in the bathroom. They would obviously notice but I didn't care. I could come up with an excuse, I always did.

I faked my usual grin as I entered the main cabin. I didn't want to go back to the Capitol, I only got judged and insulted. Everyone was much skinnier than me, too and I knew I would never look anything like them. I wasn't sure I would be able to make it through a day back there.

"Effie! I was just going to go and find you." Haymitch said. Why would he care where I was? Why would anyone care?

"Oh.. Well I'm here now." I replied.

"What happened?!" He asked pointing to my bandage.

"I.. Uh.." I stuttered, trying to think of a believable answer "Fell over."

"That must've hurt." He gave me an look as if to say 'of course that didn't happen'. _If he knew you were hurting yourself he would've said something. It's obvious he couldn't care less. _I felt tears spring to my eyes as I looked out the window to distract myself. I had been strong for so long now, maybe it's time I gave up. I couldn't let them see me weak like this, though. Effie the clueless escort doesn't have feelings.

"I just want to make sure you're okay, Sweetheart." Haymitch said.

"I am okay? Who said I wasn't."

"Look Effie, you can't be happy all the time. I don't know how to put this but I'm worried about you at the moment." He told me.

"I know I can't. But I'm fine right now..." I lied. I was far from fine. I was broken.

Haymitch's POV

Effie may hate me, and she may think that I hate her too, but I wouldn't wish what I think she is going through on anyone, even Effie Trinket. I used to think all she cared about was manners, fashion and parties and supported the games like everyone else in the Capitol, but I know she's different. When Katniss and Peeta had been reaped I heard her crying, which proved she actually had emotions underneath the ten layers of makeup. I just couldn't let her fall apart like this.

I was pretty sure she was starving herself but I wasn't sure how to talk to her about it. It would hurt her feelings if she was or if she wasn't and I know she would deny it either way.

She needed help, but how was I supposed to help her?

*1 week later*

Effie's POV

Katniss and Peeta are getting married! I was actually happy for once when I found out. Today I would be visiting Katniss's house for a wedding photoshoot...

My arms and legs were covered in even more scars than before, so I guess I would have to wear tights and gloves. Yes, the others were obviously going to notice but there was nothing I could do. Besides, they didn't care anyway.

I had been having nightmares every night for the last week, I'm surprised I hadn't just killed myself already... The voices kept coming back telling me that no one cares and that I needed to cut and die.

Now it was time to fake enthusiasm and happiness and hope that no one would see straight through it. Maybe I should be taking my own advice, 'Chins up, smiles on'.

I finally arrived at Katniss's house and entered the building.

"Hello, hello! Today is a big, big day!" I put on my usual act.

"Hi Effie.." Said Katniss.

I gave her a hug as the prep team arrived and greeted us.

"Effie you have lost so much weight!" Smiled Octavia, one of Katniss's prep team. It was working! I was on my way to perfection!

"Why, thank you! Someone finally noticed!" I giggled.

"Yeah Effie, you look nice." Katniss smiled.

"And she didn't before?" Joked Haymitch, who I didn't realise was here.

"Of course she did." Katniss replied. I was obviously too fat..

I rushed to the bathroom and grabbed my toothbrush out of my bag, forcing myself to throw up. _Keep on starving, you are disgusting _the voices began again. I didn't know what was wrong with me and just wanted it to stop.

Haymitch's POV

I know I wasn't meant to care about Effie, but seeing her suffer like this still hurt. I was almost positive she was cutting herself and starving herself now. I just wanted to a talk to her about it and help her through it but I knew there was nothing I could do. She could be dead already.

Effie's POV

I left the bathroom. I didn't want people to know I had been crying, but my eyes were red and puffy. There was always the allergies excuse.

"Effie, are you alright? You look like you've been crying.." Asked Cinna.

"Of course I'm alright!" I smiled "It's just allergies.."

Katniss's wedding dress was so beautiful, but she didn't deserve what she was going through. I, on the other hand, deserved all the pain and suffering. I was the one who pulled her name from the bowl. I was the one who deserved to die. I felt the urge to cut again but I knew I couldn't, people would definitely guess what was up (And I was sure Haymitch already knew) so I scratched my arm with my fake nails.

"Effie your dress is so pretty!" Flavius, another member of the prep team told me. Yes, the dress was pretty but not on me. I was way too fat to pull it off.

"Thank you, thank you!" Why did everything I say have to come out so fake-sounding? I couldn't do anything right.

"Effie, come in here a minute." I heard Haymitch's voice from behind me.

"Okay!" I said, walking in and closing the door behind me.

"Have you been crying?" He questioned me. Was it that obvious?

"N-no.. It was allergies.." I answered.

"If there's something wrong, feel free to tell me."

"There is nothing wrong!" I lied yet again. I could never convince him...

"Well that's good, Effie." Haymitch said "I'll see you later."


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N - If you do read this story, please, please review or maybe even fave if you like it! Thank y'all :3_

_Did you ever feel like you should've kept it all to yourself?_

Effie's POV

I wish someone cared. I just need someone to help me get through this... Or did I? I could just end it here.. Even if people were sad at first they would get over it, and I'm sure death is less painful than what I go through everyday.

I was staying in one of the spare houses in the Victor's Village. Luckily there were other people with me.. There was another wedding photoshoot today, I would have to fake excitement again. Like always.

I walked over to Katniss's house with the rest of the prep team and stylists. I guess I would have to deal with Haymitch again...

"Hello everyone!" I greeted them with a false smile on my face. It was so hard to go through a whole day of 'acting' without breaking down in tears.

"Hey Effie." Katniss smiled as I entered the house.

"So... Today we will obviously be taking more photos. So get yourselves ready!" I announced.

I left the room to go to the bathroom as I needed to throw up, seeing as I actually ate something today. I picked up a toothbrush and it was the usual routine. Although I was still a disgusting, fat, useless failure I knew I was on my way to perfection, because of the comments on my weight yesterday. I couldn't wait until people told me how skinny I was.

I scratched my arms a few times and left the room.

"What took you so long?" Asked Haymitch.

"You shouldn't ask questions like that!" I snapped at him.

"Just a simple question.."

"Why does it concern you anyway?" I asked.

"Okay Effie. I know what's up! You're cutting yourself, you can't keep on making things up!" Haymitch almost shouted.

"I am not! Where would you get that idea from?" I asked. He was obviously not convinced and there were too many signs.

"Hmmm... Let me think.. Maybe because there are cuts all over your arms! Effie you have the perfect life, I don't understand why you would do that."

"I do have the perfect life. I just fell over once, you can't just assume things about me like that.." I lied, on the verge of tears. I wouldn't be able to cope if he found out.

"Cuts from falling over don't look like that."

"I-I'm telling the truth!" I stuttered.

"Effie I do care about you. I know I could be wrong, but I just don't know." Haymitch said. He cared about me? Well that was news..

"You're right you don't know!" I cried as I left the room. I blinked, letting the tears I bad been holding back. I wanted to cut but I knew Haymitch would try to stop me, seeing as I had just been in the bathroom. _Just do it, he doesn't care if you live or die, you're just a stupid, worthless Capitol bitch to him, _the voices started again.

I pulled the razor from my bag and dragged it along my skin. Deeper than usual, I deserved it even more.

I eventually came back out. It was obvious I had been crying but I put on a smile. I guessed things would never be the same between me and Haymitch now he had discovered my secret. I guess I would have to keep on lying to him, it was safer that way. I didn't want him involved.

"Effie! You're finally back!" Said Octavia.

"Yes! I am." I sounded so dumb. But I was dumb.

Haymitch's POV

Effie cuts herself. I was almost sure of it now. That would explain why she went to the bathroom so much. I don't know why she would do that, she has the perfect life! She's rich, not starving and doesn't care about anything. But no matter how many times I tried to tell myself this, I knew she didn't have the perfect life. I knew there was more to her than the snobby Capitol bitch, I just chose to ignore it.

To be honest, I didn't know anything about Effie. She never revealed much about her personal life, and at times it seemed like her happiness was all an act.

*2 days later*

Effie's POV

The Quarter Quell had been announced and Katniss and Peeta or Haymitch were going back into the arena. They were going to die, and I was going to have to call their names at the reaping. When the news was announced I cut so much I passed out because of blood loss. If Haymitch died I would have nothing to live for, and if Katniss and Peeta died I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing it was all my fault.

The reaping was tomorrow and I could just kill myself now. I couldn't sleep because of nightmares and I was in so much pain. It was all my fault, if only I had picked a different name and Katniss hadn't volunteered. But my life had never been easy... Everyone always thinks people from the Capitol had the perfect life, but how wrong they were. I knew people from the districts had it worse than me, and that just made me want to cut even more.

I scratched my arms with my long, false nails, it still managed to make my bleed. It was my only way of coping with all the pain.

I wish there was someone to help me get through this... I wish Haymitch actually cared about me. But that was too much to ask. He wanted me dead, I was the reason his family was killed.

It was five o'clock in the morning now, I guess I had to get up and get prepared for the reaping. I scratched my arm a few more times and got out of bed.

_Chins up, smiles on,_ I thought to myself.

*3 hours later*

I was now ready for the reaping. I was dressed in a yellow dress covered in butterflies, it would've been beautiful if it wasn't on my fat body. I was wearing a light yellow wig and light coloured makeup, but a more natural look than usual. I sometimes wish I didn't have to look so 'Capitol' but however I looked now, I knew I just wasn't good enough, wasn't skinny enough or perfect enough.

I felt like I was about to breakdown in tears as I stared into the mirror. I had so many flaws and the scars on my wrists were still visible underneath the layers of makeup, obviously my stylists didn't notice or care.

"Miss Trinket! It's time for you to go out there!" The mayor of District 12 told me.

"Thank you for telling me!" I replied with a smile on my face.

I was almost crying as I walked out to the stage. Haymitch, Katniss and Peeta were already standing there, probably wanting me dead. It was all my fault of course, why did I have to be such a pathetic person?

"Welcome, welcome!" I spoke, my voice cracking "To the seventy-fith annual Hunger Games!"

"As always, ladies first!" I reached into the bowl, knowing there was only one name in there. I felt tears sting in my eyes.

"Katniss Everdeen!" I read.

"And now for the men.."

I pulled a name from the bowl and read aloud.

"Haymitch Abernathy..." I could feel tears running down my cheeks.

"I volunteer!" Said Peeta. I was now almost about to breakdown.

"Well... Now we have our two tribu-"


	7. Chapter 7

_A/N - Thank you so much, anonymous Hayffie reviewer, your review made me so happy :) keep on reviewing guys! And I promise the next chapter will be a little more interesting :D_

_Did you ever think it might be your fault, and never promised anymore?_

Effie's POV

The reaping had been hard and painful. But it was over. I was now on a train on my way to the Capitol with Katniss, Peeta and Haymitch. I couldn't believe they were going back into the games, it was all too much for me and after the reaping I had cut my arm so deep I passed out. Luckily no one found me or I might've had to confess what I had done.

I knew there was no hope for Katniss and Peeta now, they would have to fight against the other victors, who were probably much more experienced. _And it's all your fault you pathetic bitch it should be you dying, not them, _the voices kept returning and every time I felt the urge to cut or throw up.

"Effie. We need to talk." I heard Haymitch's voice from behind me. He had only started addressing me by my first name since he suspected I was cutting myself. I knew what this would be about, he had seen my most recent cut.

"Yes?"

"Okay.." He said, once we had entered my cabin "You can't keep on lying to me! I know what you're doing! I don't want you ending your life this soon..."

"For the last time. I do not cut myself if that's what you're thinking!" I said, a lump forming in my throat. How much longer could I convince him? Not that he was convinced anyway.

"If you're not going to admit it to me then you won't get any help." He told me.

"I have nothing to admit to! I wish you would just leave me alone. Some things are nothing to do with you... I have a personal life you know!"

"Please tell the truth." He said, worried. I couldn't tell him. He would tell Katniss and Peeta.. They would tell me I had nothing wrong with my life and I was doing it for attention. Haymitch might try to get me to stop, but I couldn't just stop, it was an addiction.

"I am telling the truth! What do you want me to say? I am cutting myself? I'm not!" I cried. I couldn't hold in the tears anymore.

"Then please explain where the cuts came from.."

"I already told you this... I fell over.." I replied. I wasn't able to think of a better excuse, I couldn't say it was a cat because Haymitch knew I didn't have a cat.

"I guess I'll have to believe you. If you won't confess." Haymitch sighed, leaving the room.

_He doesn't care! Just cut yourself now, you're so pathetic, fat and worthless, _I had to now, to get the voices to stop. I scratched my arms with my long nails as I didn't want to go to the bathroom. That was one of the good things about wearing fake nails.

I felt like I was about to faint for a second, then I remembered I haven't eaten anything for the last two days, and I hadn't kept anything down for the last three weeks. That was great, I was on my way to perfection, although I was still too fat. Do I have an eating disorder? I don't know... But if it's helping me get thinner then it's obviously a good thing.

I walked out of the room, after re-applying my heavy makeup.

"I've had a thought.." I announced.

"You don't say.." Smirked Haymitch. He always acted different whenever there were other people around, which irritated me.

"Well I have my hair and Katniss has her pin.. I'm going to get you two boys something gold to show them we are a team." I smiled. I wish the gamedissent have to get in the way of everything. I couldn't cope with losing Katniss and Peeta...

Haymitch noticed how upset I was and reached out his hand to hold onto mine.

Haymitch's POV

I didn't care about Effie... Did I? Well I thought I didn't, why am I suddenly so bothered by all of this? If it was last year I wouldn't be so concerned about her. No! I haven't got any feelings for Effie.. She's from the Capitol! She supports the games! But I knew she wasn't really like that.

But I couldn't just let Effie destroy herself like this... Yeah, she was Effie Trinket, the snobby escort, but she was hurting herself. I was almost one-hundred percent sure...

Effie's POV

After explaining the basics of the new training centre and the Quarter Quell, I left the room. I knew they were all blaming me in their head and so would I if I were one of them. It was all my fault.

When I reached the bathroom, I grabbed my razor and pulled it across my wrist to numb the pain of knowing I was about to lose two of the people I cared for most.

I could see my reflection in the mirror and it wasn't me. I was a fake person now, I was hidden under layers of makeup. My legs were huge and I would never reach the Capitol standards.. I had to keep on starving.

If only I was flawless and perfect like all those models in the Capitol. But I was disgusting..

"Effie! Are you alright?" Haymitch asked as soon as I left the bathroom.

"Of course I'm alright.."

"You were half an hour in there!"

"I was having a shower." I lied. If this was Katniss or Peeta, he wouldn't be asking these questions.

*Later that day*

We had finally arrived at the Capitol. Our room was so beautiful and the room was amazing, but I wish I was happy enough to care. It was now time for the tribute parade, if only I was happy enough to appreciate it. Not that it's a good thing. Not that anything related to the games was a good thing.

Cinna had designed more amazing costumes for Katniss and Peeta, and the parade was about to begin.

At least in the Capitol people were more unassuming and fell for anything.. I wouldn't get any questions about the marks on my arm from the heavily made-up people around me.

The parade began, and as usual all the tributes costumes looked beautiful and Katniss and Peeta looked even better than last year. But I kept feeling as if I was about to pass out.

"Effie have I told you how bad you look today?" Joked Haymitch who was sitting next to me in the audience. If only he knew the damage comments like that did to me. I had changed out of my gold themed outfit and now was wearing a purple dress.

"No. But I didn't need to know that either."

"Aww.. Sorry sweetheart, didn't mean to hurt your feelings." Looks like he had gone back to his usual self.

"That's fine." I said, gritting my teeth.

"I was just saying you would look a lot better with all the makeup."

"You say that a lot but ever thought that I might be insecure about the way I look?" I admitted.

Haymitch's POV

I like Effie. I can't stop thinking about her. I should be focusing on the tribute parade but she was distracting me.. If only I could let her know about the rebellion. But would she be against it? I don't know..

I can't _like _Trinket. But I do.

Effie's POV

It was 7:00 pm and we were just served dinner. I couldn't remember the last time I ate food normally without feeling guilty or throwing up after. I only picked up a leaf of lettuce, I hated all food, but eating something 'healthy' didn't make me feel as bad.

Most people think that people in the Capitol never went hungry and ate whatever food they wanted. Maybe that was the case for other people, but I guess I'm an exception.

"Wow Effie.. That's not much." Stated Haymitch.

"I'm just feeling nauseous from the train ride." I replied. If only that was the truth. If only I could eat whatever I wanted and stay stick thin.. But no, I had to be fat.

"Yeah so was I." Said Katniss. That may convince him.. For now.

"So we've got yet another big day scheduled for tomorrow! You will begin training at 7:30 am so be prepared!" I told Katniss and Peeta with a fake smile on my face

"Yeah." That was the last thing I heard before my vision became blurry and I blacked out.


	8. Chapter 8

_**A/N - Hey! Thanks for more reviews! :D Everyone who reviews this story is awesome so ya better review now.. Well after you read this chapter of course! Hope you like it :3**_

_Did you ever think it might not be me?_

Effie's POV

I felt someone shake me as I began to open my eyes.

"Effie! Wake up!" Yelled Haymitch. Well I think it was him. All I could remember was that I blacked out while we were eating dinner... _They _were eating dinner.

"W-where am I?" I managed to say.

"Does that really matter right now?" Haymitch said "What the fuck happened? Why did you pass out?"

"I can't remember." I replied. I knew it was obviously because I hadn't eaten without throwing up for at least two weeks but I couldn't just admit it to him like that...

"Effie I'm starting to worry about you. Please tell me what's going on.." He said.

"Some things have nothing to do with you!" I snapped back at him.

"I don't want you hurting yourself like this. You don't deserve it!"

"I... Don't..." Maybe I should just admit it to him. But would he try to get me to stop? At this point I couldn't go a day without cutting and it was the only way I could handle my pain.

"You are cutting yourself." Haymitch spoke.

"It's none of your business if I am!" I cried, letting the tears roll down my cheeks.

_He doesn't care._

_He wants you dead._

_Just go cut yourself now. It's your fault and you deserve it._

I began to leave the room but Haymitch held the door shut.

"I know where you're going. Just don't."

"You have no idea!" I said. He knew.. Why didn't I just wear long sleeves? Or at least more makeup to cover it up..

"You need help." Haymitch said. For once he wasn't actually drunk, and wasn't making sarcastic remarks.

"I don't need help! I'm perfectly fine how I am!" I lied. Did I really need help? Of course I didn't! I wasn't going to let anyone stop me from reaching perfection.

"Then why do you cut yourself?" He asked.

"Maybe you don't know anything about my life.. I don't have a 'perfect' life like you think I do!" I said, breaking down in tears "I'm going to bed."

"Please.. Just tell me. I won't mention anything to Katniss and Peeta, I know they won't react well."

"No. You don't need to know." I told him. _Did I really just admit to him that I cut myself? _I thought. Couldn't I ever say anything right? Why did I have to be such a failure...?

"Now I know it's true." Said Haymitch "I'll try to help you through it.. If you let me."

"There's nothing to help me through! I deserve all I get!"

"What? Of course you don't Effie! You don't deserve any of this pain! The games have affected us all. I don't know why I always assumed you were okay." He said.

"I need to..." I sighed.

"You're gonna end up killing yourself! Just stop!" He shouted.

"That's exactly what I want. The world would be better without me.. This is all my fault. And I can't just 'stop'."

"You don't deserve to die. I probably deserve to die more than you.. None of this is your fault." Haymitch said.

_He's lying. He hates you and wants you to cut. _I dragged my long, sharp nails down my arm.

Haymitch's POV

I wish I didn't care so much about Effie. I don't know why it was suddenly so important to me that Effie was alright... But telling her to stop hurting herself wasn't going to get her to stop. Just like her telling me to stop drinking. It would take time, but I didn't want her to end her life this quickly, she was a nice person beneath the makeup and manners. She thought she deserved it but she didn't deserve any of it.

Effie's POV

"I'm going to bed." I told Haymitch as I left the room.

Everything was different now that he knew.. I wasn't convinced he actually cared, in his eyes I probably had nothing to be unhappy about.

I walked into the bathroom and reached out to grab my toothbrush and stuck it down my throat. I had eaten one cupcake today, and even that seemed like too much. Any food would make me fat. Yesterday I had been watching another modelling show, and all of them were tiny compared to me... I was too fat to have an eating disorder, if I told anyone they would never believe me. I guess I would have to keep on starving, at least it felt better than eating.

I picked up a new razor out of a box I found on a shelf. _Just do it, you deserve it. _I dragged the blade across my arms, legs and stomach. I wasn't going to stop anytime soon, not until I reached perfect.

I started to cry, not because of the cuts I had just given myself, but because of what I had become.

_Why couldn't you just be one of those other perfect Capitol girls? Why do you have to be so fat?_ I just wanted the voices to stop, but I knew it was true. So I scratched a few more times with my nails.

I wonder how Katniss and Peeta will react when they find out? If they did find out. It was my fault they were going back into the arena. It was all my fault.

I left the bathroom and headed towards my bedroom. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep because of the nightmares I get every night. The closer it got to the games, the more nightmares I got.

I sat myself down on my bed. I wish Haymitch was here with me, I wish I had let him help me. _Do you like him? _I thought to myself. Of course I liked him. But in that way? Maybe.. I wasn't sure. I just needed someone.

I needed help. But I couldn't just stop that easily. It was an addiction now and it was only way of coping with the pain.

*Next morning*

"It's time to get up now! You've got training! But first you have to have breakfast." I knocked on the doors of the two victors, a huge smile on my face like nothing had ever happened last night.

I walked up to the table and took a seat, I was the only one there at the moment so I guess I was able to use the 'I already ate' excuse when they finally arrived.

Katniss and Peeta entered the room. They knew I had passed out yesterday, but they were under the impression it was because I felt ill from the train journey.

"You alright now, Effie?" Asked Peeta.

"Yes, I am, thank you!" I smiled. Yeah.. Alright.

"Now as you both know it's a big day today, you will be starting your training in half an hour and I will walk you down to the training centre." I explained.

"Sure." Replied Katniss.

"Don't you want some food?" Peeta asked me.

"Oh, I just ate something! But thanks for the offer."

Eventually Haymitch walked in but it was now time for us to go to the training centre. We took the elevator and arrived at the centre. It was completely different from last year, and there were many more things to help you train.

"Good luck!" I told them as they opened the door.

I hopped on the elevator and pressed the button to go back to our floor.

"Effie. You were back quickly." Said Haymitch as I arrived back in the main room.

"I guess I'm not wanted here." I sighed, about to leave.

"Nah I wasn't saying that. I was just pointing it out." He told me.

"Oh right."


	9. Chapter 9

_A/N - Okay sooo.. People have been following/fav-ing this story without reviewing and I just would really like it if people left a review. You don't have to say that much, I just like to know that people are actually reading my story :)_

_No it was always me._

Effie's POV

I always had to be left alone with Haymitch, didn't I? I knew more questions about my 'problems' would be coming, so I began to leave the room.

"Come over here..." Haymitch said. I walked over to the couch where he was singing.

"What do you want now?" I asked "I need space, you know..."

"You didn't cut yourself anymore last night, did you?"

"No. Who cares if I did or didn't anyway?" I replied. _ No one cares, you ugly pathetic bitch. You deserve to die_.

"I care, sweetheart.." Haymitch told me, sighing. _No he doesn't._

"Really? You always tell me how ugly, stupid and worthless I am.." I said.

"You know I don't mean it. I always thought you were happy anyway..." Yes, I was so happy.. Of course. But no one ever bothered to ask me if I was okay. They all just think I'm another Capitol clone.

"I have to go." I told him, leaving the room. I felt the urge to throw up yet again. I knew he would think I was cutting myself but it didn't matter anymore... If I just killed myself he would get over it in a day or two.

I grabbed a toothbrush and stuck it down my throat causing me to throw up until blood started to show. This was obviously a good thing.. I guess. I knew I was losing weight, and whenever someone complimented it, it made me happier but it encouraged me to starve more. I knew it was working but I still was huge and disgusting. I had to reach perfect and even if I didn't reach perfect at least I could say I died trying.

I picked up my razor from the shelf and left a small cut on my arm. I sometimes wish I didn't have all these ugly scars, but I deserve them.. I don't know if I will ever win this battle.

*Two days later*

When Katniss and Peeta had told me about their private sessions, I had tried to kill myself by overdosing, but nothing happened except I went to sleep for five hours. Why did they have to keep putting their lives in danger? They don't deserve any of this... It was all my fault. I want to die.

Today it was the interviews and tomorrow Katniss and Peeta would be going into the arena. _And it's all your fault._

"Hey Effie." Said Peeta.

"Hello Peeta!" I gave him a smile. He didn't know about what I had tried to do, and that was probably best.

"Where's Haymitch?" I asked.

"Err.. I don't know." He replied. I needed to talk to him. I just needed someone.

"Okay. I guess I'll have to go look for him!" I said.

I guess I wouldn't have to look for him any longer, as he just walked in the room at that moment.

"We need to talk." I told Haymitch. I didn't think he was drunk today..

"Okay, okay!" He said back. _You're nothing to him_, said the voices in my head.

I felt the urge to cut but resisted it. I didn't know I could resist it... Maybe I was getting better. No. I wasn't getting better.. _There's nothing wrong with you! You deserve to suffer. _I held back tears as I walked into my room.

"What did you want to say to me, anyway?" Haymitch asked. He obviously didn't care about what I had to say and had much better things to do..

"I.. Need.. Help." I said, on the verge of tears.

"With what?"

"You know.." I replied. _No one can help you... _Cutting myself was my only way of stopping the voices and numbing the pain, but I couldn't right now, not in front of him, so I scratched my arm lightly.

"I don't know I can help you.. Just stop hurting yourself! It's not helping you in any way!" He obviously didn't understand what it was like to feel as if you didn't belong here, you deserved to die...

"Do you even know what it's like for me? I am the reason that people die every year. I have ruined so many people's lives... You hate me, Katniss and Peeta hate me. I've been forced to fake a smile and put on an act my whole life. Everyone expects me to be perfect and this is the only way I can cope with the pain! I can't just stop.. I just want it to be alright." I explained, sobbing. I couldn't believe I just admitted that all to him.

"I-I didn't know.." Haymitch seemed lost for words "I just don't want you to end your life this way. It's not your fault, Effie. None of it is your fault."

"It is my fault.." I cried "I can't do anything right."

"I'm sorry for how I treated you... I guess..." He apologised.

"I know you're not.. I just wanted to let you know. You can't save me." I told him.

"I'll try." He said "Anyway, it's dinner now."

We both left the room and I walked into the bathroom to reapply my makeup.

Whenever I looked in the mirror I hated the reflection staring back at me. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I cut just once... Or twice. I picked up the razor and pulled it across my wrist and repeated it two more times. _When will all this pain end?_

I was so hungry, but I had to ignore the feeling. I couldn't risk getting fat, and starving felt good, at least I wasn't gaining any more weight. Maybe I wasn't losing weight in the most 'healthy' way. But I didn't care, if it helped me become perfect then it didn't matter whether it was healthy or not.

I eventually left the bathroom, walked over to the table and took a seat. How was I going to get away with skipping this meal today? Haymitch would suspect something was going on, especially after what I had told him. I guess I could just eat something tiny and throw up after.

"Effie! We were wondering where you had been." Exclaimed Peeta. I doubt that was true, they probably couldn't care less where I was.

"Yeah.." Said Katniss.

Haymitch's POV

Maybe what Peeta said was right. Effie was starving herself. It wouldn't be surprising at all considering what else she had done to herself. And I know about the impossible standards set for people like her. She was a lot skinnier than she used to be... I don't know why she thought she deserved all this. She was a nice person, and wasn't the slightest bit fat (not that it mattered if she was). Why did she have to do this?

Effie's POV

I picked at the one leaf of lettuce on my plate. The fact that it was 'healthy' made me feel a tiny bit less guilty, but I knew it would still make me fat.

"I will be back in a minute." I told the others after I had finished, and rushed to the bathroom.

I forced myself to throw up, as usual. It used to be hard when I first did it, but now it was easy, after I had practiced so much. Haymitch could never find out about this, I wouldn't let him, or anyone else get in the way of my goal. _Just keep on starving, who cares if you die?_ _Just cut yourself. Now. _My nails dragged down my wrist to stop the voices.

"It's time for you two to get ready the interviews now!" A grin appeared on my face. Katniss, Peeta and Haymitch got up from their chairs and we entered the elevator.

"Do you have anything planned out?" I asked them.

"Just don't make yourself look stupid, okay?" Haymitch said with a smirk.

"Don't worry, we have it all planned out!" Peeta assured me.

"Good, good."


	10. AN

Hey readers.. Soooooo... Well I've decided I will update this story every Sunday and may update it other days too (if I have a good idea) also sorry for not writing any new chapters for a while, I've had lots of things going on in my life! Keep on reading and reviewing :)


	11. Chapter 10

_**A/N Aye! Sorry for the wait! I forgot to put a disclaimer on all my other chapters so I DONT OWN THG OR ANY OF THE CHARACTERS (IF I DID HAYFFIE WOULD BE CANON AND PEETA WOULD BE MARRIED TO ME) Also thank you sooooo much for reviews! Seriously they are awesome! So please review if you read this story! Or maybe even Fav :D**_

_And I wonder if I'm just built this way..._

Effie's POV

The familiar sound of the interview show rang in my ears as I prepared Katniss and Peeta for the interviews ahead of them. There had already been shouting, fake crying and a love poem, they were going to have to do something impressive.

"Have you planned out your interview?" I asked them.

"Absolutely." Replied Peeta. I hoped he was right.

I felt like I was about to blackout, I hadn't even touched food since yesterday. But that wasn't a bad thing, the pain was worth it in the end. If I reach perfection.

Finally it was time for Katniss's interview.

"You would've made the most beautiful bride." I told her.

"Thank you." She replied.

"Let's go show them what real beauty looks like." I smiled through my tears.

I had resisted the urge to cut myself all day. Something I'm not usually able to do. But now I was getting it again and the voices in my head were telling me how worthless and pathetic I was, how I should just give up on life. I had nothing to live for.

*After interviews*

Katniss was pregnant. And she was going into the games. I couldn't believe she hadn't told me already...! Yet they were still forcing her to go and fight till her death.

"Effie are you gonna go and slit your wrists again?" Asked Haymitch as I started to leave the room. He was obviously drunk, but that comment surprised me. Maybe the tiniest part of me thought he cared... I felt tears well up in my eyes.

"I was just going out of the room." I said.

"Course you were, you self-centred bitch! It's all about you isn't it? Well maybe some people have real problems!" He snapped.

"You... D-don't know anything!" I stuttered.

"Oh yeah? You just want attention! That's it..." He said. I couldn't believe the words were coming out of his mouth. I thought he understood how I felt... I guess not... I guess I'm just nothing to him. I wouldn't be surprised, who wouldn't hate me?

I walked into the bathroom, quickly grabbing my razor and slashing it across my arms, legs and stomach, deeper than I ever had before. My vision became blurry. This is it.. I finally get what I deserve.. Death.

Haymitch's POV

I regret everything I said. Knowing the state that Effie is in, she was probably harming herself in some way now... Or maybe even dead. Why the fuck did I say all that? Why didn't I say anything earlier? All these years she's been falling apart and I never blinked an eyelid. I could've helped her through this. But I missed my chance and she was probably not even here anymore.

I rushed into the bathroom, fortunately the door was unlocked.

She was dead.

I ran over to check her pulse and breathed a sigh of relief. She was still there. Her wrists and legs were covered in deep gashes. I couldn't believe I let this happen. I couldn't believe I let this happen. It was all my fault. It was like when I was in the games with Maysilee, I missed my chance to save her.

Effie's POV

I woke up, my wrists sore and aching. I thought I had died, I guess not. I looked around to find I was still in the bathroom.

"You're alive?" Gasped an familiar voice.

"Wha-what happened?" I asked, rubbing my eyes.

"You tried to kill yourself... I think... After I said some stupid shit. I'm sorry Effie, I didn't mean it. And I understand if you never want to talk to me again." It was Haymitch. The harsh words sprang back to my mind, but I was going to forgive him. I guess he might've tried to save my life.

"The things you said were true. You should've let me die. I deserved it... I'm the reason all those innocent kids have died." I told him, blinking back tears.

"That's not your fault. It's the Capitol's fault." He assured me "It may seem like I hate you and I'm blaming you.. But I'm not."

"It's okay. You don't have to like me. I don't deserve it." I said.

"Why do you always think so badly of yourself, Effie? I hate to see you fall apart like this!" He said.

"Well first of all, I'm a stupid, worthless, fat, ugly Capitol freak. I have always been told I'm trying too hard, always had my flaws pointed out, always been told I'm not pretty enough, skinny enough or good enough. I am the reason for so many people's deaths and so many people's losses. I guess hurting myself is the only way to escape the pain... It's become an addiction and I can't stop now. But I thought ending my life would be the only way to end all the suffering." I explained, tears rolling down my cheeks.

"I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've treated you so badly all these years. I think you can guess I haven't had the best experience with the Capitol, seeing as I lost my family." Haymitch said.

"I know, you have it a lot worse than me. But I deserve the pain and you don't." I cried.

"Come here, princess." He said pulling me closer. Then the unexpected happened.. He began to kiss me.

We eventually pulled away at the same time. I walked out of the room without saying a word... Did I have feelings for him? Did he really have feelings for me? So many questions ran through my mind. I needed to lie down for a moment.

*Later*

I woke up, expecting the whole situation to be a dream. But it wasn't. It was reality.

_You don't deserve him! You deserve to die! _Said the voices in my head. Cutting was the only thing that would stop them, but I had a feeling Haymitch was keeping an eye out for me.

It was lucky he didn't know that I wasn't eating. I was fat, there was no denying it. There was only one way I could reach the Capitol standard of perfection, even if it meant starving and purging myself to death. It was for the best, I reminded myself. I wanted more comments about how skinny I was and how much weight I had lost..

Katniss and Peeta entered the room. They were going into the arena tomorrow. I plastered a fake smile on my face. I didn't want them seeing me this broken and weak.

"Hello!" I greeted them, as Haymitch also came in.

"Hey Effie." Said Peeta.

"I have some things for you. Remember I said I would get you something gold? Well I have now." I told Peeta and Haymitch. I had managed to get Peeta a gold necklace and Haymitch a gold bangle.

I handed them their gifts and they thanked me.

"You both deserved so much better." I said to Katniss and Peeta, tears falling down my cheeks.

"Thank you Effie." They Replied.

I gave them both a hug and remembered that this may be the last time I see them.


	12. Chapter 11

_A/N - I'm so sorry I haven't updated in forever! But here you have it :)! This is kinda just a filler chapter. I have a lot in store for the next chapter..! Hope you enjoy, please review and have you seen the new Mockingjay stills? Let's just say they have inspired me for the next chapter! P.s thank you everyone who has fav'd or followed or reviewed! :D_

Effie's POV

_You can take everything I have, you can break everything I am_

Katniss and Peeta were in the games. Haymitch wasn't paying any attention to me. Why did I ever think I meant anything to them? To them I was just another Capitol clone. Just like the rest of them. I had no feelings. It wouldn't matter if I was dead or alive.

My arms were covered in scars and burn marks. Would I ever reach perfection? Would I ever be good enough? It wasn't sure I was strong enough make it through the day.

I looked up at the screen in front of me. Haymitch, Katniss and Peeta's prep and their stylists were fixated on the games but I hated it. I found it hard to watch, but I knew I had to keep an eye on my victors.

"Effie, you do really look a lot better than you used to!" Said one of the people around me. I wasn't paying a lot of attention to them, it wasn't what was important at this moment. Recently I hadn't eaten any food without throwing up after, but it seemed useless, I was still not good enough, not perfect.

I couldn't cope anymore, I felt like I was going to break down. I walked out of the room and into the mirror bathroom, taking a look into the mirror.

I was tired of having to hide all my real emotions for all these years. I just wanted someone to help me. But I just wanted to die before anyone had the chance.

_Don't worry._

_You can just kill yourself now._

But did I really have the courage to do it? Was there a tiny part of me that actually thought some people may care about me?

_Katniss and Peeta will be dead anyway. Or one of them will._

I grabbed my razor and dragged it across my arm, then covered it up with my glove. All my pain is hidden behind a smile. All my insecurity is hidden behind a mask of makeup.

Returning to the room with a grin on my face, I sat back down. There is so much a smile can hide.

Haymitch's POV

Over the last few days, I had found out all I needed to know about Effie. But now I think she's starving herself too. I guess Peeta was right all along, I shouldn't have assumed she was as happy as she appeared to be. Is it too late to help her? I have so many other things on my mind..

Effie's POV

_"If you want to be an escort, you have to be perfect. And that means perfect makeup, perfect hair, perfect clothes, perfect everything. And you are far from that." My mother told me. I didn't even want to be an escort._

_"You're not good enough." My stylist said._

_"Just shut up. I don't care about you, you stupid Capitol bitch." Haymitch said._

I had to be perfect. I had to be good enough for them. I had to be skinny. It had been my goal for so long. I just wanted to look like the models. I just wanted to be perfect.

I knew it was stupid, considering everything that was going on. But it wasn't something I could stop now, I couldn't stop starving myself, I couldn't stop cutting myself. I deserved it anyway, for being so useless and pathetic. For being the reason for people's deaths.

If only someone could see behind the mask.

If only someone could see how 'happy' I really was.

If only someone knew how hard it was for me just to get through one day.

"Effie we're gonna have to talk.." Said Haymitch. What did he want this time? He couldn't save me.

"Okay." I answered, following him.

"I'm just gonna ask.. Have you been starving yourself?" He asked.

"Of course not!" I replied, smiling. _Just tell him the truth... Why can't you do that for once? Why do you always keep things hidden? Oh yeah, because you deserve __it._ The voices in my head told me. I scratched my lightly arm with my fake nails to try to make it stop.

"Ah. Yeah. Sure." Haymitch said, an unconvinced and worried tone in his voice.

"Why would I?"

"You haven't eaten anything for days.. I'm not blind."

"Yes I have! Just as normal!" I lied.

"Well if you insist." He said.

I wonder if that kiss actually meant anything... Or was he just drunk? Something in me hoped he had really meant it.


	13. Chapter 12

_**A/N - Hey! So this is going to be movie canon, because I wanted to write about effie in district 13. Sorry I haven't updated for ages! Anyway please, please, please REVIEW! It really means a lot to me. Also thank you for the reviews so far, hope you enjoy this chapter! :)))))**_

"Just eat, Trinket." Haymitch told me as he pushed my plate of food closer to me. If it was that simple, I would do it. It's obvious he didn't understand.

I shook my head and moved the plate away. I was in District 13 now. Everything that was going on was so confusing to me, I was having more panic attacks and nightmares than ever. Peeta was in the Capitol, most likely being tortured, Katniss was expected to lead the rebellion, I was in a terrible state of mind. I wanted to help, but I couldn't.. I was just the weak, stupid escort who knew nothing about fighting and only cared about looks. To most of the people here my life was worth nothing, and 'most of the people' included me.

"Do you really think starving yourself is gonna help anything? Do you really think being skinny is more important than everything that's going on around us...?" Haymitch whisper-shouted. I knew it really wasn't, but was eating going to help either. I've had so much taken away from me, I was barely recognisable. There was no longer a fake smile on my face, or layers of makeup, and my hair was not covered by a wig. I was even more disgusting.

"I'm not starving myself. I'm just not hungry." I hissed. That excuse was hardly believable, I'd been using it all my time as an escort. I'm surprised he didn't see right through it, but then again he didn't care did he?

"Then someone else can eat your food can't they?" He asked, anger in his voice.

_Stop being so selfish,_

_maybe killing yourself would help?_

I wished there was something I could do to stop the voices. Even hurting myself would only numb the pain for a while.

"I.. Have to go.." I murmured. I needed to go to my room, I had been struggling to fight through this. My depression, or whatever was wrong with me had been affecting me more than ever. I felt the urge to cut myself more and more.

As I started to walk towards the corridor that led me to my room, I caught sight of my reflection. With no access to makeup or clothes, I look terrible. Not that I didn't already. All my life I had tried to be beautiful, if only I could achieve that.

"Not good enough." I whispered under my breath, not realising I had said it out loud.

"Effie?" A puzzled sounding voice behind asked. I turned around to see Katniss, I hadn't actually talked to her while in District 13, let alone bump into her. She had a lot more important things to do. I found it hard to believe that she actually recognised me. I was almost a different person beneath the mask of Capitol makeup.

"Katniss!" I exclaimed, embracing her in a hug.

"You... You look so different.." She said.

"Yes. I guess I'll just have to deal with it." I replied.

"I know it must be hard for you, it's hard for everyone though.."

"Thank you. I guess." I said, as I saw her catch a glimpse at my arms. _Not as if it matters, she won't know what it's from and if she did why would she care?_

I continued to make my way to my room.

When I reached the room, I sat down on my bed and pulled open the drawer to find my tiny blade. I was so selfish, attention seeking. The world would be better if I didn't exist.

At this point it didn't matter if my cuts were visible or not, so I dragged the blade across my wrist.

If only I still had all my makeup, I felt so ugly without it. But I was ugly inside and out with or without it, it made no difference whether I had it on or not.

Luckily, my room had a mirror, even if it was small.

_You are so vain, just die already._

I had hoped not eating properly for at least two weeks would've been noticeable, but I was still fat as ever. My natural hair was covered by a scarf, I was insecure too about it to show it off, and I was stuck in the simple, gray clothes they had given me, although I still had my jewellery and shoes.

I heard a knock at the door.

"Come in." I called, almost sighing. It was physically impossible to keep up the cheerful act. It was Haymitch.. What did he want? Make comments about how disgusting I looked?

"What do you want now..?" I asked.

"Well.. I wouldn't usually say this, but I'm sorry for earlier. I don't really know how I can make up to you."

"I deserved it." I told him. It was true, though. Why should he be nice to me? What had I ever done?

"Nah. Even you don't deserve that, Trinket."

"So what were you going to say...?" I asked.

"Plutarch said that you can take the place of his assistance, seeing as your always so organised and you're practiced at that kind of stuff."

"Well. Give me time. I'm still confused about everything." I answered him. What exactly would I be doing?

"But I stick to what I said before, I don't know why you keep on starving yourself. Like being skinny is going to help you survive this." Said Haymitch.

"I'm not starving myself!" I said. Maybe I don't want to survive. Maybe I want to reach perfect.

"And by the way, you look ten times better without all that Capitol crap on." He laughed, leaving the room. Did I really? The makeup was always a mask, that hid my real emotions and sadness. It hid who I really was. That was the good thing. I hated myself.

I don't know why Haymitch even bothered talking to be. It was obvious even he was better off without me, annoying him and getting on his nerves all day. I was probably better off without me too.

I stared at my reflection in the mirror.

_You're still fat._

_Will you ever be skinny?_

_You have too many flaws._

_Just die._

I couldn't fight the urge anymore as I grabbed my blade and cut my pale skin.

_Yes, you deserve it._

I didn't want to pass out again. I wasn't going to end my life just yet. I knew there was something stopping me, but I had no idea what it was. I reached over to the drawer and put my blade back inside. Yes, I would probably be taking it out later. But for now I just nended time to think.

Would I really be able to make it through this rebellion?


	14. Chapter 14

**_A/N - Hey! New chapter! I just came back from Disneyland it was so awesome! Anyway I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, please REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW! Seriously though, reviews encourage me to write more of the story and if you have any ideas that would be so cool! but yeah, enjoy the chapter which I dedicate to my friend Effietrxnket, she has left so many some nice reviews on this story and I suggest you go read her hayffie story as it is amazing! :D_**

Effie's POV

I walked out of my room. I felt as if I was going to have another panic attack. How much longer did they expect me to cope? Earlier I had felt there was something worth living for but now I'm not so sure. I was going to die anyway, it might as well be now.

"Effie Trinket. I've been meaning to talk to you." Said a voice. I turned my head to find a man I didn't recognise.

"Ah yes. Much prettier than I expected. But then you are a Capitol girl aren't you?" Said the man.

"Thank you.. But may I ask, who are you?"

"Introductions don't matter." He smirked. He had dark brown hair and pale skin.

Before I knew it, he had pinned me to the wall, his lips pressed to mine. I struggled to push him away but I was small in comparison to the man.

"What are you doing? I don't even know you!" I managed to cry out. Out of the corner of my eye I could see another person at the end of the corridor.

"Get off her!" I heard Haymitch's voice. I saw him take out a gun as a bullet came flying towards the man, hitting him in the side as he collapsed to the ground.

"T-thank you." I stuttered, lost for words at what I had just experienced.

"No need to thank me. I knew his plan. The guy was trying to distract you, then he was going to kill you, he thought you were a spy for Snow or something." Haymitch replied.

"Did you not try to tell him?" I said. I wish he should've just let him kill me. It was for the best.

"He had already killed one of the stylists here. It was the only way of stopping him."

"I'm not sure how to.. Respond to this."

"Hey. I could give you a few lessons in fighting in case anyone else tries attacking you." Haymitch told me.

"Really? After all these years of hating me." I choked. I was still shocked and I could feel hot tears trickle down my face.

"What years of hating you? Yeah, sure you pissed me off.. But I never hated you."

"Nice to know." I said.

"Well. There is food being served if you want any." He said, changing the subject.

"I don't deserve to- I'm not hungry." I answered. I had actually gotten used to starving, if it was even working was a whole different story. I didn't deserve to eat anyway. I didn't deserve to live.

"You need to stop it with all the starving yourself. You're gonna die."

_That's the aim._

"I'm going to my room." I told him, as I began to walk away.

Did any of that really just happen? I thought as I reached my room. Who even was that man? Why wouldn't he want me dead, anyway? I picked up my blade from the drawer and sliced into my pale skin.

I felt my vision begin to blur before my eyes as I blacked out.

I was finally dead.

Hopefully.

*7 hours later*

I blinked a couple of times before looking around. _Where was I? _Looking at my arms, I could see tubes attached. Why couldn't I just be dead? Why didn't they realize.

"She's waking up." Someone spoke.

"W-what happened?" I asked.

"You passed out from blood loss." The man next to my bed, who I guessed was a doctor, told me "It seems, though, the wounds were self inflicted."

"No they weren't." I said quickly.

"May you explain what they were from then?"

"I have a cat." I lied.

I heard the door open as Haymitch entered the room.

"What the fuck were you trying to do?" He asked.

"I.." I managed to get out.

"You were trying to kill yourself? I don't know why you do all this, but most of all I don't know why I didn't notice." Haymitch said, sitting on the chair by the side of the hospital bed.

"No. No I wasn't." I replied.

"Oh and that's your natural hair color, is it sweetheart?"

I realized the scarf around my hair was no longer there, instead my disgusting, dirty blonde hair was there.

"It's a lot nicer than those ugly wigs."

"Hey." Haymitch called out to the doctor "Is she allowed to leave yet? She's got work to do."

"I'm sorry, but she needs therapy before she's allowed to leave." The doctor replied.

"Well I'm gonna have to explain to Plutarch about that I guess."

It would've been a lot easier to let me die.


	15. Chapter 15

**_A/N - Well.. Dun dun dun! THIS CHAPTER INCLUDES... YOU GUESSED IT... HAYFFIE! So I'm not gonna spoil it for you but there is hayffie. if you don't ship it then I don't know why you clicked on this story. Please review and I hope you enjoy the chapter, I definitely enjoyed writing it! P.s you're all awesome! :D_**

Effie's POV

After about three days of the routine of waking up, maybe talking to someone, eating something tiny, having therapy then going back to sleep, I was finally allowed out of the hospital. I was nothing like the person I used to be, it was hard to even pretend to be happy.

I never listened to a word any doctor said. I didn't care. I still wanted to die. I had been diagnosed with depression, borderline personality disorder, anorexia and bulimia. This wasn't going to stop me from killing myself, as soon as I got out of here I would end my life.

I walked down the corridor, looking for Haymitch. I don't know why I felt the need to tell him that I was alive still. He had only visited me at the beginning.

"Effie. I've actually been looking for you." Haymitch said. He was in the middle of a conversation with a man I didn't recognise.

"Oh it's you. You're the one from the Capitol. I'm surprised they even let you in here, stupid bitch. You supported the games all along." The man growled, placing his hands on my throat.

"Get off her, Darien! It isn't her fault that was her job!" Haymitch shouted, shoving the man away from me.

"Yeah it is. There's no such thing as a nice person from the Capitol. She might as well die." The man, Darien said.

"She's on our side. She feels so bad for what she's done.. Well not what _she's _done, none of it was up to her, but she's tried killing herself." Haymitch spoke "So how about you shut the fuck up?"

"Why doesn't she try again? We could do better without her. She's worthless, she can't fight." Darien said. Maybe I will. I knew I was worthless, I knew I couldn't fight. But maybe I could prove him wrong.

"Maybe she can't. But I can." Haymitch said, throwing a punch in his direction, slamming him into the wall. He got up, and started to walk away.

"Thanks for saving me. I owe you something, this is the second time." I gave Haymitch a weak smile.

He tilted his head, as if thinking of a way I could repay him.

"Hmm I think I have an idea." He smirked.

"And that i-" I managed to say before I was cut of by the warmth of his lips on mine. He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me in closer as the kiss gradually became more passionate.

"I think I could say I earned this." He said, breaking away quickly before his lips latched back on to mine. I felt as if this was one of the best moments of my life, this was the thing that stopped my life from ending.

"Man, you're a good kisser." Haymitch said.

"Not as good as you." I smiled as he cupped his hands around my face, and kissed me lightly.

"For me, do you think you could stop cutting yourself..?" He asked.

"No. I'm sorry but I can't." I said. Why did he have to bring that up. It was so hard for me to talk about it. It was a reminder that I still wasn't strong.

"At least eat something."

"You don't understand. I can't just eat. I don't deserve to eat, I don't even deserve to live. I'm worthless." I explained, tears stinging in my eyes. I had never really talked about these kind of things before.

"You're not worthless. And I don't usually say this to people, but you deserve to live, Effie."

"No I don't."

"Well I'm not sure how to convince you, but you mean the world to me, although I don't act like it." He said, placing his hand in mine.

"You too."


End file.
